Building Boundaries

Picture from www.tripadvisor.co.uk

When we leave our homes as young adults, one of the very first things that I think most of us relish in is the new-found freedom to break free of the boundaries that our parents asked us to respect. It is not always a case of not agreeing with their boundaries, as much as perhaps not fully understanding why they needed them in the first place…

Fast forward a few years and you are a new parent yourself –  navigating this tiring job as well as building a career and perhaps still laying a solid foundation of a young marriage. Suddenly you feel anxious, frustrated or even depressed and you’re not really sure why. The very boundaries you wanted to break free from could be the answer.

Tanya van Zyl, accredited life coach and published writer (www.tanyavanzyl.co.za), recently described personal boundaries using the most vivid analogy. Imagine crossing a high-bridge over a beautiful gorge, but the bridge has no side-rails. You will walk very slowly, quite scared of tripping and falling, or even being blown off by a strong wind, and you will never dare to approach the edge to look over at the stunning view – it just isn’t safe.

Then, imagine crossing the same bridge but this time it has side-rails. Now you can walk confidently, skipping along even, and approach the sides to look left, right, and all around you in comfort and with confidence that you are safe and protected.

           This analogy describes a life without boundaries versus a life with boundaries. The same boundaries that once made you feel captive in your parent’s home now give you freedom to be confident, feel safe and explore the bridge that represents your personal journey.  

The benefits of boundaries

If the analogy was not enough to instantly create an image in your mind of how important boundaries are, then here are a few more benefits to consider.

           Boundaries enable you to release emotional energy instead of being constantly drained by fear, worry and insecurities. You are able to really ‘skip along that bridge’ instead of stammering along the centre, afraid of making a mistake or falling or being hurt.

            Instead of creating conflict, boundaries actually help to create less conflict because there are fewer instances where you are left feeling as though you’ve been taken advantage of, or that you are so drained that the smallest thing will set you off on a tangent.

             Also contrary to popular belief, boundaries actually make you more emotionally accessible. Instead of holding up a protective shield and constantly being ‘on guard’ because you’re not sure what is coming next, you are actually able to be more open with your emotions within the safety of your personal boundaries.

             Probably the most important benefit is the way in which you will react to challenges. A person with no boundaries will be reactive, often feeling victimised and almost attacked by life coming at them from all angles. While the person with boundaries is more proactive – they see challenges as places to put up future boundaries and even suss out situations beforehand to ensure that their boundaries are sufficient – this makes them more empowered. 

What if you had no boundaries?

Boundaries are not only important for the world ‘out there’, abounding with all sorts of strangers and dangers alike. Most importantly, boundaries are for family too – because without them you will never be truly relaxed enough to have an open relationship, even with your children.                

            A person who lacks boundaries is setting the stage to become abused. Dr Phil famously coined the phrases “You teach people how to treat you” and “The best predictor of past behaviour is future behaviour.”

            Both phrases cover important aspects of boundaries. Firstly, you set the tone and quite literally teach people how to treat you. If you walk into a beautiful garden only to be bitten by a vicious dog, you are certainly the victim of a terrible tragedy the first time. The next time you walk into that garden knowingly – you are your own abuser.

             Secondly, and leading off the paragraph above, people show you who they are and what they do. They are actually quite honest, if you’ll just take their word for it. The dog has honestly shown that he will bite you, and he’s not joking or lying.

    So, if your friend has a habit of fetching her child from your house well after the agreed collecting time over and over again, then you will need to build in extra time (and a healthy dose of acceptance), or refuse to have her child over to your house again. The point is that the choice is yours, and you are empowered.

              Without boundaries in place, your image of yourself breaks down as you subconsciously begin to realise that you are not very good at protecting your precious self, and so perhaps you just aren’t that precious after all…

  On the flip side of a coin, a person with boundaries exudes confidence because they are empowered and they have come to accept that they may be judged or even rejected because their boundaries do not make everyone happy all of the time. There is no room for people-pleasers when it comes to building healthy boundaries. 

 

Why boundaries are important in families

It is vitally important to show your children what healthy boundaries are, because children do not do as they’re told, but rather do as they see. Boundaries do not need to result in selfishness, on the contrary, to have a home with healthy boundaries means creating an environment where the rights and responsibilities of every person are celebrated.

       According to Adri Vos, a counselling therapist on the West Rand, children who grow up in families where boundaries are uncertain simply don't learn to deal with disappointment. They become so used to getting their own way that they soon feel very uncomfortable with getting 'no' as an answer from anyone. As adults, they typically get into the negative cycle of taking any refusal or negative response from another person as a sign of personal rejection. "And," says Adri Vos, "they typically reach a point where they themselves find it very difficult to say 'no' to other people without experiencing feelings of intense quilt and self-doubt." Clearly, this is not a pretty picture.


Where do we need to draw lines in the sand?
There are certain True North guiding principles that apply to family boundaries. These rights and responsibilities are universal, regardless of culture and personal preferences. 

For example:

·  Everyone in the family has the right to recharge their batteries and fill their tanks - mommies and daddies too.

·  Everyone has the right to feel safe within a predictable routine.

·  Everyone’s needs are important, but no more important that anyone else’s needs.

·  Everyone’s physical needs should be met.

·  Everyone should be able to have fun in their home.

·  Every family should benefit from good parental relationships - which means that it's in everyone's best interest when mom and dad invest time and energy in their relationship.

·  Every family should have a healthy and consistent hierarchy.

 

Five steps to creating lasting boundaries

There are five important steps to creating lasting boundaries. Like weight-loss or beating an addiction, creating and maintaining boundaries is not easy.

1.       What is your motivation?

Why are boundaries important to you? Your convictions will be what keep you going. Do you truly believe you deserve to have time to recharge, are your needs for being spoken to in a respectful way ultimately important, etc.?

2.       Get over your fears of rejection

When you create boundaries you will certainly not please everyone, especially those closest to you. They may become frustrated and annoyed and you will need to make peace with this fact.

3.       Act quickly

Boundaries are not something that ‘grow’ in a kind of inverted weight-loss scenario. No… you need to set a boundary and it is either there or not there. And even by not having a boundary you are sending a message and setting a ‘non-boundary’ area where anything is acceptable.

4.       Your home is your haven

You need to be especially firm when it comes to your home and your personal space.

5.       React confidently

Finally, when your boundaries are pushed and pulled (as they will be), you need to act quickly and decisively to make sure there is no misunderstanding. It could be as simple as, “I am sorry that you got stuck in traffic, and next time Amy comes to visit please pack her pyjamas so that she can bath along with the rest of the children.” 

It’s in our nature

To look at a child is to understand that boundaries are part of our nature from the very beginning. A child is programmed to look for the routine - the sameness - in their environment in order to feel that sense of security and belonging. And as they get older and are allowed more freedom, they will push at every boundary, not to break it down but to ensure that it is there and strong… keeping them safe and secure inside.

The Practica Team
parents who know better, do better

To comment or to be added to the mailing list for blog updates please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

10 tips to boost speech & language development

Children are talking less. In fact, research in the UK points to a disturbing trend where half of all five-year-olds entering primary school are very far behind on their speech milestones. “Up to 300,000 [children] are struggling to string a sentence together or [aren’t able] to understand simple instructions by the age of five,” says the Daily Mail article penned by Sarah Harris. And, says Sarah, the main reason for this sad state of affairs is that today’s parents simply spend less time speaking to their children than the parents of yesteryear...

    This is all fine and well, but we’re beyond busy these days aren’t we? Just how can we fit more time into our days? The fact is, being a parent has always been a really tough job, but our parents didn’t have television ‘digital’ babysitters or battery operated decoys… They had to find a way to include us and engage us… The simplest way back then was through conversation. And parents today can do the same – for the sake of their children’s ability to speak and understand language.

   The good news is that there are 10 easy pointers that can amplify your efforts as you encourage your little one’s speech and language skills.

1.       Put yourself in your child’s shoes
What does your child want to talk about? What would be most important to your child in the different situations you find yourselves in? Your child is most likely to pay attention to what you say when you’re talking about something that interests him, albeit using simple language. On top of this, you can  learn a great deal about what your little one is thinking and feeling by looking at his facial expressions and his body language to see where he is focusing his attention.

2.       Make it meaningful and simple

Always start with the most natural and common use of a word possible.
  
   For example, start with ‘bird’ before progressing to ‘goose’ or ‘duck’.

3.       Get descriptive
Try not to just name things, but describe them too…

   For example, ‘see the shiny apple’ or ‘touch the cat softly’. And, instead of simply saying, “Put it over there”, you can say “Please put the fluffy cushion on the blue chair.” The more specific and descriptive our language is as we speak to children, the more they learn.

4.       Get real
While it remains  really important to read books with your child and point to pictures, language is often learned much quicker through actual experience. For example, it is much easier to learn the words ‘kick’ and ‘ball’ when you’re actually kicking a ball together.

5.       Make the most of everyday opportunities
This is really an easy one, because any toddler wants to be involved anyway.

   For example, let your child help you pack the washing machine and talk about ‘socks’, ‘pants’, and other clothes, or let them “help” you find things in the grocery store.

   It’s great to introduce children to new and novel experiences for obvious reasons, but everyday experiences are specifically valuable because they create the opportunity for children to learn through real life experience. It’s also easy to repeat these experiences over and over again.  

6.       Use gestures
Not only is it ok, it is actually great if you use gestures for certain words such as ‘hello’ (wave), ‘fetch the…’ (point), ‘sit on my lap’ (pat your lap) etc. You can also indicate when things are big or small with your hands or point if you want your child to climb over or under something. To add to the meaning as well, you can use your voice and facial expressions to indicate anger, sadness, sleepiness, happiness etc.

7.       Repetition, repetition, repetition
It is very important to emphasize and repeat the words you want your child to learn. Sometimes you may need to repeat something several times and sometimes a hundred times; it depends on the age of your child and the particular word.

   For example, you can emphasize the word whenever the moment arises and then repeat it immediately again, “It is time to bath. You like to bath. Let’s go bath!”

8.       Respond immediately
There is nothing like an instant response to tell a child that using language and speaking is important and valuable to them. When your child sees results, there will be more incentive for them to try and try again.

   For example, when you’re child points at a dog and says ‘dog’, you can respond by saying, ‘Yes… there is the dog! What do dogs say? Woof woof!’

9.       Practice makes perfect
At first your child will be approximating words and they may not be pronounced perfectly. This is just fine at first, so encourage your child to use the word without correcting the mistake and embarrassing your child.   Rather respond by using the word correctly in a sentence, for example, when your child points to a baby and says, “ba”, you can respond with, “Oh yes, a baby! Let’s say hello to the baby!”

10.   What words are not…
In order to learn what things are, your child also needs to know what they are not… It’s generally best to point out what something is before pointing out what it is not…

    For example, when you are playing with a ball you can use the ‘ball’ and then refer to a cube and say, ‘Is this a ball? No! Of course not! (and giggle) It’s a cube!’

   When research tells us that parents are spending more time watching television than in meaningful conversation with their children, it becomes concerning. Language is vitally important for a child’s intellectual development and being a parent is a lot like being a tour-guide to your child’s world.

   Talking to your children doesn’t have to mean dedicating more time that doesn’t actually exist – it just means switching off the television, getting them involved and making a little effort to talk to them – they will love it and so will you!

Remember, if your child can’t name it, he can’t claim it.

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better...

To comment or to be added to the mailing list for blog updates please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Asking and answering questions made simple

Image: www.lorenstow.co.za

Most parents can agree that it is incredibly frustrating when your baby or toddler wants something but can’t communicate what it is… You don’t know what to get them or do for them, and they get increasingly frantic… Another example is when you know that your child knows something, but when you ask them a question about it, all you get is a blank stare, like when you ask your child to show you the blue crayon and all of a sudden they can’t.

    With this in mind, we thought it would be fitting to do a post on how to teach your child to ask and answer questions. It is not as difficult as it sounds and is based firmly on encouraging your child to take part in his day-to-day activities while giving him a running commentary of what’s happening and why.

    Other than the obvious benefit of being able to understand what your child wants, teaching him how to ask to questions will also boost his confidence, help him to learn more about what’s going on around him in his world, and eventually increase his social skills.

Learning to ask

The process of teaching your child how to ask questions is, as with everything else, an on-going ‘dance’ that will continue well into adolescence, but you can get started from about the age of 21 months.

Question skills generally follow a typical order as follows:


2 yrs             Q: Yes/No     Eg: May I go?
2yrs              Q: What       Eg: What is this?
2 ½ yrs         Q: Where      Eg: Where is my shoe?
2 ½ - 3 yrs    Q: Who         Eg: Who is that?
4 – 5 yrs       Q: Why         Eg: Why is he crying?
4 – 5 yrs       Q: How         Eg: How did you make that?
5 – 6 yrs       Q: When       Eg: When is she coming?

“What” and “Where” questions develop first because at that stage a child is typically more interested in the names and locations of various things in their world. The “Why” and “How” questions develop from age four because this is when children start to think in more abstract terms. And the “When” questions develop after a child has learned a concept of time.

Why do some children struggle to ask questions?

There could be three reasons, and if your child is struggling at all it may be a good idea to see which area could use some attention. In order to ask a question your child needs to:

1. Know how to put words together to form questions
2. Have the thinking skills to think of something to ask
3. Trust that the other person is going to react positively

Encourage your child to ask questions

• You can start by modelling the behaviour and showing your child how people think about certain things, and then answer your own questions, for example “What is this? A feather!” or “What are we going to do next? Close the door!”

• Give your full attention when your child is asking a question, get down to their eye level and be patient, allowing enough time for the question to be asked.

• Answer your child’s questions – when you do this your child knows that they have been successful and their self-confidence is boosted.

• If you don’t understand the question, ask your child to repeat it or to try and show you. If your child hasn’t asked correctly or hasn’t used words, repeat their question in a simple, correct way and then answer it. For example, if your child points at their juice on the table you can say, “You want your juice? Here, mommy will get your juice for you.”

Learning to answer

The ability to answer questions develops at roughly the same rate as the ability to ask questions, and it’s a good idea to meet your child where they are at. So, if your child is asking “Why” questions, then you can assume that he can answer “Why” questions as well.

    The best time to ask questions is when you and your child are engrossed in an activity together. Wait and watch your child and see what his attention is on, and then ask a question about that. Make sure you have your child’s full attention before asking the question and allow your child some time to answer the question, creating a calm and accepting atmosphere.

    As a parent, it’s important to ask your child questions, but don’t overdo it and become like 00-Mom/Dad… It is all too easy to dominate the conversation. Try using questions to discover what your child is thinking and what he knows so that you know how to relate to him, rather than turning the conversation into a test or a lesson.

    And don’t forget, questions like “You know what?” are your child’s way of getting your attention so that they can share something with you – so respond with interest and love, and most of all have fun!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better


Comments? Suggestions? Or simply want to be added to the emailed updates? Contact lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Inspirational Quote

As parents we are facing a time in history where the role of the parent is being downplayed by the advent of technology to make your life easier. You can buy a machine to make and freeze baby food, a chair that rocks your baby for you, a weighted pillow in the shape of a hand that mimics your hand on your baby's sleeping body, books where you can record your voice reading to your child...

These products all have one thing in common - but by promising to make the parent's life easier by 'taking the parent's place' what they are actually saying is that a parent's role is so unimportant that a clever design and set of batteries can replace it.

This, thankfully, is not true. Nothing can take your place. Nothing can be invented or designed to offer what a real, and loving, parent can.

With this in mind is today's inspirational quote - because you really matter to your children!

Image: Loren Stow http://www.lorenstow.co.za/

"No one has more potential to influence your child than you. We need to remember that our influence has more to do with our relationships with our children than it does our skills as parents."

- Reggie Joinuer & Carey Nieuwof

The Practica Team

parents who know better... do better

Five ways in which a child learns social skills

Image: http://www.sheknows.com/

Most parents agree that they want their children to reach their full potential – whatever that may be. They won’t enjoy and celebrate a child any less if it turns out that his or her fullest potential doesn’t involve straight A’s and being hugely successful in the sports arena. In fact, most of us will be more than pleased to see our little ones grow up to be truly happy and successful in their own unique way. As long as they live their best life – everything else is a bonus.


    However, ask any adult about their happiness level and whether they think they’re living meaningful lives and you will soon realise that "living your best life" is not as easy as it sounds. It's so difficult, in fact, that any practical advice to parents about things that can be done during the early years to increase a child’s changes to be happy and content one day is extremely valuable.


    Today’s tips focus on what research teaches us about cultivating social skills in our children. It is, after all, impossible for a person to be either happy or successful without being able to get along with people.


    Here are five things that parents can do to help lay a solid foundation with regards to social skills:


1. Talk about emotions. Studies show that children, whose parents talk about emotions often, are more popular and more comfortable in social situations and better able to cope with anger and disappointment.


2. Deliberately work on having a sunny outlook on life. Kids with the most developed preschool social skills are the ones who experience more positive emotions at home. It’s not necessary or even realistic to be constantly happy, but practice a “can-do” attitude towards setback and frustrations.


    Studies indicate that children suffer when parents – and particularly mothers – tend to give in to anger or despair when things don’t go according to plan. The more often children see their mothers display negative emotions, the less likely they are to view their mothers as people who can comfort them and give them advice.


3. Create special opportunities for pretend play and join in the action every now and then. One of the most important ways in which children develop friendships during the pre-school years is by playing pretend games together.


    Researchers have found that kids who pretend together are less likely than other kids to quarrel or have communication problems. They also develop self-control and the ability to “put themselves in somebody else’s shoes”. Parents who play along from time to time are doing their children a huge favour. Kids are found to play for longer and at a higher level when parents encourage them – but remember to keep the experience upbeat and don’t take over the situation completely; allow your little one to take the lead.


4. Use words wisely when you discipline your child. Kids whose parents take the time to explain rules and discuss consequences of bad behaviour have found to be popular, have more self-control and less conflict with peers.


5. Be sensitive to your child’s emotions. One study, done by Suzanne Denham in 1997 asked children to say what they think their parents would do when they experience strong emotions in various situations, for instance when they wake up from a bad dream. The very same kids who reported that their parents would comfort them and not ignore their emotions or get angry were the ones who were pointed out by teachers to be more socially skilled when they are amongst their friends. These children were also better able to relate to other children’s feelings, and they were generally more cooperative.


    What much of the research boils down to is that taking part, in an emotionally positive way is very important to your child’s social development. What’s more, discussing emotions, whether positive or negative, helps your child to understand their own emotions, and therefore other people’s emotions, so much better.


The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better


Comments or want to be added to the mailing list for future updates? Email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Making Choices

Image: www.ayushveda.com

Gone are the days where children were seen and not heard. In today’s world it is very popular – expected in fact – to give children choices. One theory is that if a child is given a choice, say between the green and the red t-shirt, then he’d most likely follow through and not have a tantrum over having to get dressed.

    The second theory is that children who are given the opportunity to make choices will naturally make intelligent choices later on life – practice makes perfect after all doesn’t it?

    These theories are both true, and children do need to be given the opportunity to make choices. However, it is important that a child is not expected to make a choice that is beyond their ability to understand the consequences of that choice.

The difference between responsible and irresponsible choices
Preschool children should be allowed to make choices in their daily lives, however these choices should only be ones that your child is capable of making. You should not give your child a choice that you will not accept, or one that will put them in harms way.

    For example, it’s great to give a preschooler the choice between the red and blue t-shirt, but not whether they want to bath or not. Your preschooler cannot know that not bathing will potentially result in a health hazard a few days later. At this age, your child thinks on a very concrete level and abstract ideas are not within their grasp.

    Using a rather extreme example is toddler-proofing your home, including putting safety plugs in sockets. You simply do not want to give your child the ability to choose whether they’d like to put their finger in the plug or not – this would be very unsafe and completely irresponsible.

Giving your preschooler safe and healthy choices
It would be inappropriate to allow a preschooler to eat chocolate for breakfast, because that was their choice. Of course, the wonderful sweet taste is an instantly enjoyable experience and your toddler would likely choose it over and over again. But it’s simply unhealthy in the long term.

    This doesn’t mean you cannot give your toddler a choice of different breakfasts, it just means that you have limit their choices to healthy options, for example “Would you like French toast or cereal for breakfast?” In this way, your toddler’s choice will be guaranteed to be healthy and something that you’re comfortable with.

    Another example of giving your toddler a healthy choice is when they are outgrowing their daytime nap at around the age of four. Your toddler is tired and cranky and you know they need to nap, but if you had to ask them if they’d like to have a nap, their answer would most surely be a loud ‘no!’

    So, instead of asking them if they’d like to nap, try another strategy – give your child the option of taking a nap or reading a book during some quiet time. Guaranteed your child will choose the book and will most likely be asleep in no time anyway. If not, at least your child has benefited from some calming quiet time.

Keep choices limited
Toddlers can and should make choices, but these should be limited to two or three different options. Any more options are simply confusing. It is your job as a parent to narrow down the choices for your child and as time progresses and your child matures, they will be able to make healthy decisions.

    You will ensure that your toddler is exposed only to the choices that they can responsibly be expected to make. You will be giving your child the ability to exercise their ability to choose and directly affect their environment, fostering valuable self-esteem.

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better.

If you have a comment or if you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Inspirational Quote

Today's inspiring quotation is about fighting - but in the good sense. Fighting for what you believe in, standing up after being knocked down and instilling in your child the will to persevere through thick and thin as they learn to trust, from watching you and living with you from day to day, that you are fighting for them and not with them.

"There is a world of difference between when you fight with someone and when you fight for someone. When you fight with someone, you want to win. When you fight for someone, you want that person to win. When you fight with people, walls are built up. When you fight for people, walls come down. When you fight with people, relationships are jeopardised. When you fight for people, relationships are prioritised."

- Reggie Joiner & Carey Nieuwhof, Parenting Beyond Your Capacity.

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better.

How to arm yourself for parenting in public

Image: www.positiveparentingsolutions.com

It’s murphy’s law that as soon as you come across another mother of four amazing, well-behaved children in the isles of Woolies, floating along on an aura of complete calm and composure... your (*ahem*... quiet and reserved) toddler will have a complete temper tantrum over the fact that you will not let them have the entire sweet shelf to themselves… What do you do? How do you cope with such a moment, especially in the face of everyone in the shop who have obviously noticed your debacle, and yet pretend not to as they rubberneck like they're passing an accident on the N1 in peak hour…

Lizette offers four ways in which to prepare for, and react to such a situation, as well as an awesome tip for parents of slightly older toddlers and young children.

1. Prepare your children
The first key is prepare your child in advance and to explain exactly what you expect from them.
    Using our Woolies example, you could say “We are going to Woolies and mommy wants you to sit quietly in the trolley and help me find all the groceries. Mommy doesn’t want you to be naughty, because if you are, then mommy will have to give you time-out when we get home. But if you’re good for mommy, you can choose one sweet when we get to the till.”
   This prepares your child for what is going to happen and how you expect them to behave.

2. Always put your child’s needs first
Although it may be tempting to try and hush over a moment where your child oversteps the boundaries that you laid out in point one, you need to keep your child’s need for your guidance and discipline at the top of your priority list.
   You will need to act swiftly and with conviction, despite what you think other’s may be thinking of you, your child or the (rather embarrassing) situation.

3. Never embarrass your child socially
While, in the heat of the moment, some parents may be tempted to scream, shout and perform, just so that all the other people (read: spectators) can see that they mean business and that they’re not the kind of parents whose kids walk all over them, do not do this.
    It is very important that you do not embarrass your child in a social setting. Take them aside and talk sternly to them about the situation, in a way that does not draw attention to them and in a way that they understand that you respect their feelings.

4. Be consistent
As with any form of behaviour direction, consistency is key. If you say you’re going to go straight home after Woolies, don’t be surprised when your children have a meltdown when you quickly decide to make a last-minute stop at Clicks too. Stick to your story. The same applies for discipline. If you say that you will discipline your child for screaming or throwing a tantrum in the store, then do this in a discreet and respectful way.

Great Tip (from age 2.5 to 8 years)
A wonderful idea for taking your empty threats and turning them into concrete results, especially when you’re out and about with your children, is to carry a black marker in your bag. When your child misbehaves or oversteps their boundaries, and you pull them aside for a respectful word, you simply mark their hand with a circle. You explain to them, and they will soon learn, that this mark means that when you get home they will be disciplined as agreed – e.g. time-out, loss of a privilege, or whatever works in your household.
    This little black mark is a tangible reminder to your child that they have misbehaved and will have to face the consequence for their actions, but does not embarrass them or cause undue stress while you’re in a public place.

We hope that these pointers and the tip will go a long way towards making outings more fun for your family!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better

If you would like to be notified of all new posts via email, please send an email to lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Six weeks to a happier home

Image: http://www.cartonera.co.cc/

Let's face it, as parents we spend most of our time directing our children's behaviour and sometimes it can feel as though all we ever say is 'no', 'don't' and 'stop'. While it is important to guide our children, there is a way to do it that is more positive for both you and your child.

Here's a six-week plan to a happier home - we hope it helps to make a difference!

Week 1: Don’t be surprised when your child acts like a child
Even the sweetest child will repeat just about every bad behaviour at least a few times before he eventually learns from the negative responses that he gets, telling him that certain behaviours are to be avoided.

    You’ll do your child an enormous favour if you accept that it is natural for a young child to experiment with various behaviours, both good and bad.

    Practise for a week to stay calm when your child does something ‘bad’ and do not give in to your emotions. In fact, try to establish why you feel emotional in the first place. Is it not normal for a 3-year old to act like a typical 3-year old?

    Instead of getting upset, or ignoring your child’s bad behaviour to the point where you explode in a fit of rage, rather act quickly and decisively when he does something that is unacceptable. Discipline him as if his offence, as well as your reaction to it, is perfectly normal and within your ability to handle.

    Then go on with life with the firm belief that he is a sweet and good little person who just needs a little nudge in the right direction every now and then.

    Refuse to label your child as ‘bad’ and don’t see anything he does as a personal insult. He will soon discover, and learn to believe, that he is a good person as he learns to see himself through your eyes.

Week 2: Ask for consideration instead of judging
Practise for a week to tell your child how you feel and what you need, instead of telling him he's wrong.

    Say: “I don’t like it when the house is a mess. I need you to help me pick up the toys.” Instead of: “I can’t believe the mess you’ve made! You’re such a slob!”

    Say: “This is my favourite CD and it makes me happy to listen to it. I need you to go and play outside if you’re going to continue being noisy.” Instead of: “Get out or shut up!”

Week 3: Put his feelings into words
Practise for a week to put your child’s feelings into words.

    Say: “You are sad because your toy broke.” / “You are angry because I won’t let you go outside to play.” / “You’re excited about going to the beach and it’s difficult for you to wait.”

    When needed, explain what you expect.

    “You are sad because your toy broke, but sometimes toys do break.”

    “You are angry because I won’t let you go outside to play, but it is time to go to bed now.”

    “You’re excited about going to the beach and it’s difficult for you wait, but you need to help me to get everything ready before we can go.”

    Hearing you put his feelings into words over and over again in various situations lets your child know that you understand him. As a result, he will feel less frustrated when you set boundaries and he will find it easier to deal with his emotions.

Week 4: Talk about what to do, instead of what not to do
Practise for a week to put requests in a positive way, so that your child knows exactly how to stay within the boundaries.

    Say: “You need to walk while we’re in the shop.”
    Instead of: “Don’t run in the shop!”

    Say: “Look with your eyes, not with your hands.”
    Instead of: “Don’t touch!”

    Say: “Pet the cat like this.”
    Instead of: “Don’t hurt the cat!”

Week 5: Express confidence in your child
Practise for a week to build your child’s feelings of self-worth by telling him that you believe in his ability.

    Say: “I know you can do this.”

    Say: “I’m so proud of you for doing what I tell you to.”

Week 6: Avoid trying to use guilt as a tool
No happy and successful man has ever stood in front of an audience with the words: “I want to thank my mother for making me feel guilty most of the time. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without those feelings.”

    Many parents doubt their own ability to set boundaries and to discipline their children appropriately. So they resort to using guilt as a tool. They don’t allow themselves to relax or to be happy when they are around their children, because they are afraid of being caught off guard. Instead, they act like frustrated martyrs, in an attempt to evoke sympathy from their children and blackmail them into being ‘good’.

    It takes courage to be happy and enjoy life. Practise for a week to relax and enjoy your children while they’re within the boundaries. When they overstep the boundaries, deal with it as quickly as possible - without laying a guilt trip on them. Then resume where you left off. Soon, being happy will become your default state of mind!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better

Comment or want to be added to the email update list? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Inspirational Quote

Just in case you needed some inspiration to keep you motivated to discover how you could fill your child's learning experiences with as much emotion and fun as possible - here is a quote on the importance of the 'learning environment'. And from who else than the most famous genius of them all...

Enjoy!

"I never teach my pupils. I only attempt to provide the conditions in which they can learn."

- Albert Einstein

The Practica Team
Parents who know better... do better.

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How to improve your child's memory

Picture: http://biggerthanyourblock.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/child_learn.jpg

Do you remember a time when that complicated maths problem in 8th grade suddenly made sense? It was as if the clouds parted and the understanding 'dawned on you', changing the way you viewed maths from then on? Or is there another moment when a sudden realisation left you looking at the world in a completely new way?

Our children are in the unique position where this kind of learning - the kind that facilitates seeing the world from a new perspective - happens all the time! But what makes this kind of experience 'stick' into long-term memory?

A recent study done by the Weizmann Institute of Science discovered that we tend to remember 'aha' moments that are emotionally-laden better than ones that have no emotional context.

Using MRI scans, the researchers found that when participants were given certain 'aha' moments, the part of the brain called the amygdala was activated. This is the area of the brain associated with emotion.

In the study, participants were shown degraded and hardly identifiable images and then were shown the actual (clear) image - in an effort to create a moment of 'oh... that's what it is!'

However, not all images elicited an emotional response or 'lit up' the amygdala. In the end the researchers were able to actually predict that those images which elicited an emotional response from the amygdala guaranteed that the participant would be able to remember what the degraded image represented a long time after.

This corresponds with what we believe when it comes to helping your child to remember and learn new things - that when learning occurs in an emotional context, it 'sticks'.

There are three simple ways to give your child an emotionally-laden learning experience:

1. Create an opportunity for your child to make their own discovery.
When you allow your child to make their own discovery, for example that a big ball does not fit into a small opening, but that a small ball does, you allow them to experience an 'aha' moment of their own.

2. Make sure there is a fun atmosphere.
Making the learning experience fun, with lots of emotion from your part, helps to make the moment 'stick' into your child's memory. For example, when reading a book, make funny voices for each of the characters, exaggerate your facial expressions when pointing at the pictures and make the whole experience really fun for your child.

3. Praise your child.
When your child learns something new or completes a task, praise goes a long way towards giving the moment an emotional context. If you want to learn more about praise, visit the posts we did on this subject here and here.

By adding emotion to your child's learning experience, you can go a long way towards helping them to create memories and learn.

Study: Weizmann Institute of Science (2011, March 31). New insight into 'aha' memories.

The Practica Team
Parents who know better... do better.

Do you have a comment or do you want to be added to the emailed new-post alert? Email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za

Concentration - your child's mental workout!

Picture: http://blogs.simplyfun.com/

Parents often phone into the Practica Program Advisory Service asking why concentration is not listed as a ‘skill’ in the Parent’s Guide. This is because most parents want to help grow their children’s ability to concentrate. We agree that it is very important and felt this was indeed a topic to discuss!

What is concentration?

Let’s start off by saying that concentration is a term that describes the brain’s ability to keep on going at a task, much like the term ‘fitness’ describes the body’s ability to keep on going during a sport’s game.

    Researchers can use PET scans to point out different regions in the brain that control speech, analytical reasoning, emotional experiences, visual processing, auditory processing, motor skills and so on – but there is no region in the brain that can be pointed out as the ‘concentration’ hotspot. So instead of viewing concentration as a ‘skill’ on its own, it helps to think of concentration as being ‘mentally fit’.

How does a child naturally learn to concentrate for longer?
As discussed in earlier posts, a child’s brain is ‘wired’ during the early years of life, mainly during the first 3 years, and up to early-school-years. (If you missed that post, click here.) Two interesting processes go along with this ‘wiring’ process: (1) myelination and (2) the development of brain cohesion.

    1. Myelination: We know by now that activities which use the brain will develop a stronger neural network of connections between brain cells. As this process unfolds, a waxy covering develops around each and every neural connection that acts as ‘insulation’ in the same way as one would like to insulate an electrical wire to keep the sparks from flying all over the place. The more a certain region of the brain is used, the thicker these myelin sheaths develop around the brain cell connections in that area, and the smoother and more quickly information will travel there.

    As this process of myelination progresses throughout the various regions of a child’s brain, the child gradually learns to process information more effectively, focus his attention better, and keep going for longer. In other words – he learns to ‘concentrate’.

    2. Brain cohesion: The more various regions of the brain are used together in combinations, the better they learn to ‘talk’ to each other. That is called ‘brain cohesion.’ Interestingly, different tasks require different combinations of brain regions to work together.

    For example, as a child listens to a story while looking at the illustrations, he uses a special combination of brain regions that include those that process sounds, visual images, language, emotions, logical sequences and memory. However, when the same child looks at an instruction card to build a construction with blocks, he also uses the visual part, but now combines it with other regions, like those that control eye-hand coordination and logical reasoning.

    The more a certain combination of brain regions work together, the better they learn to talk to each other – it’s as if the information gets to travel on big highways between regions that are used together often, as opposed to having to travel on little footpaths between other regions of the brain.

    This explains why parents often report that a child can ‘concentrate at home’ but not at school. The simple explanation is that a formal school environment expects of the child to use combinations of brain regions together that he may not often get the opportunity to use together at home or in a pre-school. A good example of this would be a child who seldom listens to stories, but loves to play blocks can easily get to the point where he plays with his blocks for 30 minutes, but continues to ‘space out’ or start talking about other things after listening to a story (or a lesson) for 3 minutes!

How to train your child to concentrate for longer:

Step 1: Start by determining your child’s developmental level.
Many parents do not understand just how long their child should be able to concentrate for at any given age, so here is a practical age-by-age list:

Age and concentration in minutes

1 year = 1 minute

1,5 years = 2 minutes

2 years = 3 minutes

2,5 years = 5 minutes 

3 years = 10 minutes

4 years = 15 minutes

5 years = 20 minutes

6 years = 25 minutes 

    The most that a child of six years or older can concentrate for is 25 minutes, which is why the South African Department of Education has chosen to structure all school lessons in 25-30 minute intervals. In fact, most adults are also only able to really tolerate 25 minutes of concentration at a time as well.

Note to Practica Parents: One of the greatest benefits of the Practica Program is that the activities listed for every age group in the Parents' Guide has been specifically selected to last as long as a typical child of that age is able to concentrate.

Step 2: Build from the bottom up.
A person wanting to run the comrades marathon will start with a 10 minute walk once a day and build up to a point where they are fit enough to take on an 80km run, and again, this rings true for your child’s ability to concentrate.

    Similarly, if your 6 year old can concentrate for only 3-5 minutes, meet him where he is at by playing a wide variety of games with him that require of him to focus his attention and complete a task while actively using his mind for 3-5 minutes. (Parents who own a Practica Program can save time by paging to the 2-year old section in the Parents’ Guide and choosing activities from all the various sections listed under that age, because the games in that section are designed to last for 3-5 minutes.)

    After a number of weeks, when your child is confident that he can easily play all kinds of games for 5 minutes at a time, move on to activities that encourage your child to keep going for 10 minutes at a time (listed in the 3-year old section in the Parents' Guide) … and so forth. Keep going slowly but surely until your child reaches the point where he enjoys activities that are age-appropriate for a 6-year old and keeps going for 25 minutes at a time.

Important pointers:

1. Variety is very important
Spending many hours practising your tennis game isn’t going to do much to improve your soccer skills – simply because each game requires a unique combination of body parts to work together well. Similarly, the best way to prepare a young child for any challenge that may come his way later on in his schooling career is to play a WIDE variety of activities and games on a regular basis. We’re repeating ourselves, but this important factor is so often overlooked that it is worth repeating!

2. Don’t waste precious concentration time!
Don’t be discouraged when you spend 20 minutes preparing an interesting activity for your 2,5-year-old only to find that they get bored after five minutes! This is completely normal!

    This is not to say that you shouldn’t prepare activities, but it is a great idea to prepare them once a week for the week ahead (as is recommended by the Practica Program), so that you have them on hand quickly and can catch your little one when they’re ready to interact.

    It is also a good idea to spread activities out. Do some brain-building interaction for the length of time listed above and then take a 10-15 minute break and do the same thing or something new again after that. This gives your child a chance to ‘recharge’ and be mentally ready for the next activity.

3. Differentiate between fun and fitness
In physical fitness there is a real difference between the benefits of swing-ball (which is fun) and the benefits of tennis (which builds fitness), and the same rule applies to building mental fitness.

    While it may be fun to run around outside, unpack the Tupperware drawer and bang pots together, and free-play and creativity have their place in your child’s day, this kind of unstructured activity is not going to exercise your child’s ability to concentrate.

    The kinds of games and activities that do improve concentration involve anything where there is a task to be completed, a plan to be followed, steps to take in a progressive fashion and a goal at the end of the activity. For example, finding all the yellow marbles, or stacking a tower of 10 blocks high, matching all the same coloured socks, building a construction with building blocks according to the instructions on an instruction card, singing a song from beginning to end with specific gestures at various points, etc.

4. Make building self-confidence a priority.
The greatest draw-back for a 6-year old who cannot concentrate for long is not always the obvious consequence of not being able to follow instructions and complete tasks – it’s more often the fact that he has been told directly or indirectly, over and over again by various adults in various situations that he cannot concentrate!

   In light of this, starting with activities aimed at 2-year-old level of concentration and building up from there has a dual purpose – not only are the activities short, but they’re also easy. By moving on to more advanced and longer activities gradually, you ensure that your child experience success over and over again, in a wide variety of contexts, he starts to believe in himself and his abilities. If you do not have a Practica Program you can still help your child by ensuring that you meet them where they are at, and slowly increasing the length of time in which they are encouraged to concentrate on completing a task.

    Concentration is important, especially when it comes to school as well as just learning about life in general, and just like keeping your body fit, it is all about keeping your mind fit as well!

The Practica Team
parents who know better... do better

Comments, or a request to be added to the post update alert email? Please email lizette@practicaprogram.co.za